Hobbes gets a girlfriend
by Mirror of Dreams
Summary: Hobbes has always been a sucker for pretty girls. So what happens when Calvin inherits a gorgeous blonde haired doll from his deceased great aunt? Well, okay, not much. Mostly just their normal antics with a pretty girl tossed in. How's that for a summary? XD
1. Chapter 1

Calvin was up in his room playing with cars.

_...But little did the family know that their new minivan was actually just a container for an atomic bomb! As they drive round a bend the bomb suddenly detonates. A massive release of energy! Debris! Carnage! Everyone within the city totally decimated! Even the surrounding villages suffer from the effects of the nuclear weapon. Fabric fuses to skin, the villagers' skin falling off their faces, mutation everywhere! Over in the-_

"Calvin! I've got a snack for you!" Calvin's mom yelled up the stairs.

Calvin scowled. Bother. It was just getting to the good part. He picked himself up off the floor and made his way downstairs. He sat down at the table. It was Graham crackers and milk. His mother started talking to him.

"Calvin, do you remember your great aunt Margret?"

Calvin looked up.

"Which one was she? Wait, was she the one who's oven caught fire?"

Calvin's mother pursed her lips at the memory of exactly _how_ the oven had caught fire. Of course it had to do with one of Calvin's visits.

"No, that was Aunt Millie. Do you remember Aunt Margret? The one who lived in Pennsylvania?"

Calvin raised an incredulous eyebrow.

"Pennsylvania? Where's that? Near Eraserville?"

Calvin's mom roller her eyes.

"No Calvin, it's near West Virginia. We went to her house once, but you were pretty little. Do you remember? She made us cookies."

Calvin considered this.

"What kind of cookies were they?"

Calvin's mom sighed and gave up.

"I don't remember Calvin, it was a while ago. Anyway, she passed away recently, and there was some stuff she'd like you to have."

Calvin perked up at this. Some stuff? For him? This set his imagination off. Just think. A million dollars, a car, a remote controlled rocket ship... The possibilities went on and on.

"She left a note too." continued his mother. She brought a medium sized box up onto the table.

Calvin's spirits fell slightly. Probably not a car, then.

"It says: Dear Calvin. I would like to give these to you, seeing as you are my only young relative. I know that not all of these things will be interesting to you, but I hope that you be be able to use some of them as best you can. Love, your Great Aunt Margret."

The disclaimer further weakened his expectations, but Calvin still reached eagerly for the box. He pulled off the tape and opened the lid. There was a bit of paper covering the top and then...

"A doll?! What sort of cheap trick is this?"

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**Hey guys, thanks for reading! Reviewing would be totally appreciated, even if it's just to tell me how weird my ideas are. Also, if there's any suggestions you'd like to make as to what happens, that's fine. Just be forewarned that there's the possibility that I'll totally ignore them. So no guarantees. This is an idea I've had for a really long time; probably since I first started reading C+H and I was like, seven or something (yes, I was even devising weird fanfictions back then). I hope it turns out well, and I hope you enjoy! Reviews = Happiness 3**


	2. Chapter 2

Calvin carried his new toys upstairs grumpily. _Seriously? A doll?_ There had been some other toys in the bottom of the box: a few cars, some blocks, and a couple old books, but nothing interesting.

At the top of the stairs he stopped to awkwardly shift the doll over to his other arm. It was a pretty big doll. It was just as big as Calvin, and was probably not even that much smaller than Hobbes! The doll was made out of cloth, with a painted on face and golden yarn curls. She wore a simple old fashioned dress and brown leather shoes. She might have been called a ragdoll, but that didn't really suit her. She was somehow prettier, more realistic, though still fabric.

Calvin had reached his room. He opened the door and was pounced on by Hobbes. The wind gushed out of Calvin's lungs, and the toys scattered everywhere.

"_Calvin, be careful_!" he heard his mom yell.

Before Calvin had caught his breath Hobbes started talking.

"Hey there, good to see you! Brought any snacks for me?"

By then Calvin had caught his breath enough to speak, and he yelled at Hobbes,

"You nincompoop! What were you doing, attacking me like that? I wasn't even coming back from school! Are you just going to do that any old time I come up the stairs now?"

Hobbes just grinned and didn't respond. Just then he caught sight of the doll. She was picking herself up off the floor, and brushing her clothes off. Her yarn curls were now real curls, and they bobbed around as she moved.

Hobbes extracted himself from the Calvin-toy puddle and went over to greet her. He bowed a low dramatic bow, and offered her his hand. She gladly took it. It was more than Calvin could take and he burst out again,

"You fishhead! What are you, some sort of gentleman?"

The doll looked surprised, but Hobbes just turned to Calvin and stuck his tongue out. He escorted her into Calvin's room, saying something that sounded like: "Excuse me for a moment while I talk to my rude friend." He then left the doll in the room, closed the door, and turned to Calvin.

"Wooooh-wooooh! Where'd you get the hot babe?"

Calvin scowled at him.

"Hot babe? What are you, crazy? She's just some stupid doll my aunt gave me!"

Hobbes turned up his nose.

"That's not a very nice thing to say! I'm sure she's every bit as intelligent and beautiful as she looks." He grinned. "But seriously, where'd you get her? From your aunt? What was such a lovely young lady doing with an old hag like her?"

Calvin was still scowling.

"I don't know! She just kicked the bucket, and there was some sort of note saying I could have the stupid doll!"

"Tsk tsk," tutted Hobbes, "You really shouldn't refer to ladies like that."

His eyes lit up.

"Hey, should we go and meet her?"

He rushed into the room before Calvin could argue otherwise.

Once in the room, Hobbes re-assumed his elegant air. He introduced himself and Calvin.

"Good afternoon, miss. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. My name is Hobbes, and this is my friend, Calvin."

She looked up at them with deep blue eyes from where she was sitting on Calvin's bed. She blinked, once, twice, then answered,

"My name is Caroline. It's a pleasure to meet you."

She had a soft, almost southern accent, though it might have just been the way she sounded right then.

Hobbes looked extremely satisfied, and Calvin's evaluation of the situation grew ever worse. Hobbes and a pretty girl. Oh great. This was going to get messy.

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**Sorry it took me so long to update such a short amount. I'm kind of doing this story in little bursts. What was especially ridiculous was that I actually had this written a long time ago, I just didn't get around to posting it. Oh well. It's here now!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, I have another super short update for you! I know I'm horrible, but if you review I'll probably post quicker. Really, I will. Maybe. By the way, thank you all for your reviews! Even the ones that tell me that they don't think what happened in my story could happen. I just love feedback, if only to let me know people are reading. Anywho, here's the next tidbit.**

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Calvin located his mom in the kitchen.

"Hey mom, can you make some new clothes for Caroline?" he asked.

Calvin's mom was scrubbing the counters. She down at him questioningly.

"For who?"

"For Caroline, the new doll."

Calvin's mom perked up.

"Why sure, Calvin! Now, mind you, I'm not not much of a seamstress, but I'm sure I can make something fitting for a lady."

Calvin's mom drifted of into thought, obviously thinking of all the extravagant historical costumes she could bedeck the doll in.

"No no, mom. I mean like play clothes. She's not going to be able to do _anything_ in that old dress."

Calvin's mother tried not to look disappointed. She had gotten herself actually rather sold on the idea of fancy dresses for Caroline, but of course that wouldn't be what Calvin was asking for. She was jumping to conclusions.

"Oh, sure."

"Okay cool, mom, thanks."

Calvin's mom watched him as he ascended the stairs. Even if he didn't want fancy clothes for her, it was good that he was actually taking interest in the doll. Surprising, actually. And he'd even given her a name. Calvin's mother had been worried that Calvin would end up throwing her away, or using her as "dinosaur bait", or something strange like that. She didn't think that he would take well to the idea of playing with dolls, but it seemed to be working out. This could be a good sign. Maybe Calvin was outgrowing the idea of boys vs. girls, and cooties. Maybe he'd start being nicer to the neighbor girls, like Suzy. Maybe.

Calvin reached the door to his room and opened it. He found Hobbes teaching Caroline how to use his toy guns, or "space blasters".

"You see, you have to pull this little lever at the end, and then you pull the trigger when you're ready to fire. Here, you try."

Caroline took the gun and aimed it at the window. She fired, and the suction-cup bullet stuck to the glass.

"Hobbes, what are you doing? You're educating the enemy!"

Hobbes crossed his arms.

"She's not the enemy! She's our friend!"

"No she's not! Remember, G.R.O.S.S. **G**et **R**id **O**f **S**limy Girl**s**. She's a girl!"

Hobbes refused to comply.

"She's a _young lady_. And besides, how would we even be against her? She lives in our house now. She would know all of our plans."

"We could hold our meetings in the secret clubhouse!"

"Still," denied Hobbes, "Just imagine if Suzy got a hold of her. She would be the perfect spy. We have to have her with us, if only so that Suzy _can't_ have her."

Calvin grumbled to himself. He knew that Hobbes had won.

"Alright, whatever. But if she shows any signs of betrayal, we'll eject her immediately."

"Deal."

"Deal."

Caroline looked curiously and a little worriedly at what was going on. Apparently she had just gotten accepted into something, but only because she might rat on them to someone else if they didn't. And apparently she was a slimy girl. She was not liking the looks of things.


	4. Chapter 4

"We are gathered here to celebrate the first honorary initiation of our new member in the G.R.O.S.S. club!"

"We present to you the honorary G.R.O.S.S. club hat!"

"Now I, Calvin, dictator for life, shall give a speech! Ahem. We are proud to accept this new and utterly unfeminine non-slimy girl member to our prestigious society! This new member will assist us in furthering our worthwhile cause: to get rid of slimy girls! The honor and glory in this mission knows no bounds!"

"Wait, wait! Let me do a speech now. Ahem. The vice president and honorary tiger Hobbes shall now present a speech to the gathered body. We our proud and utterly grateful to accept this new and stunning addition to our prestigious assembly! This new member will assist us in furthering our worthwhile cause, and maybe offer smooches if we get too discouraged. It is our proud and-"

"Wait a second, smooches? No way! We're honorary soldiers in a battle for G.R.O.S.S. justice! We don't get smooches!"

"Well then, what's the point?"

"What's the point?! Honor! Justice! Getting rid of slimy girls! That's our whole purpose!"

"Purpose without smooches? I don't think so."

"You dare to question our entire club motive?"

"If it doesn't allow for smooches, then yes, it's a stupid motive."

"Why you! I hereby demote you to vice janitor for treason!"

"Vice janitor? I demote you to honorary laundry boy."

"Moron! You're the vice janitor, you can't demote people!"

"Well, I just did."

"Well, I demote you to unofficial toilet scrubber!"

"Right back at you, official wiper of other peoples' noses."

"Flea brain!"

"Turkey-head!"

About this time Calvin and Hobbes launched into a vicious battle of tousling and name calling. Caroline stepped back and watched, unsure of what to do. Her new paper hat sat on her head in a rather unfitting manner, and she looked slightly awkward standing there in her newly made play clothes and oversized hat. She watched the old friends roll around on the floor of the clubhouse, yelling at each other like pirates. _Should she stop them?_

"Turkey head? Funny thing for you to say, you son of an overgrown dust bunny!"

"Says you, Beetle-butt!"

"Mushroom head!"

"Porridge brain!"

This went on for a while, but eventually they got tired. Calvin flopped dramatically on the floor on one side of the tree fort, and Hobbes on the other. Completely out of breath, they had little air to spare even for insults. Eventually they began to breathe normally, and Hobbes got up enough to lean his back against a wall.

"Well then. That was fun!" he stated contentedly.

"I'll say!" Calvin agreed, brushing off his pants. "Truce?"

Hobbes took the hand Calvin had offered him, and they shook.

"Truce."

Calvin grinned.

"Great! Now, I formally promote us to our former duties!"

"Here, here!" Hobbes clapped.

"And now to the next order of business... Where does she fit in?" Calvin pointed towards Caroline.

Hobbes grinned.

"I already told you. She assists us in our mission and offers smooches."

"No, no!" protested Calvin, "I mean like, what's her position? I'm dictator for life, you're vice president and honorary tiger, so who's she?"

Hobbes thought for a moment.

"Honorary smooch deliverer?"

"No way! Maybe she could be first mate."

"Stupid. They only have those on pirate ships. Maybe she could be, like, the grand duchess or something."

"Grand duchess? There's no place in an official club for some fancy duchess!"

"Okay, how about..."

Hobbes dropped off into thought. It was then that Caroline stepped in. These two fools would obviously come up with something stupid for her if she didn't intervene, and so she did.

"Ahem," she coughed slightly to get their attention. "You said earlier that I would be a perfect spy. I still could be, except for you. I could spy on this _Suzy_."

Calvin and Hobbes thought on this for a moment. Eventually Calvin spoke.

"Yeah! That'd be perfect! You could be like, a double agent! But for us!"

_A double agent? But for them? That doesn't even make any sense._ Caroline thought.

"Right then!" announced Hobbes, "It's settled. She'll be the honorary undercover agent!"

Caroline smiled and nodded. That didn't sound too bad.


	5. Chapter 5

Calvin, Hobbes, and Caroline were standing next to the sidewalk. They had all ditched their paper hats, and Hobbes was wearing a bow tie. On the sidewalk stood a small table with some coffee mugs and a tea kettle.

"Alright team, let's go over the plan!" announced Calvin, "When Suzy comes by we'll start the mock tea party. Naturally she'll stop to talk to us, and she'll see Caroline. Being the stupid girl she is, she'll be instantly attracted to a lump of fabric fashioned into a female likeness, and want to keep her. We'll then offer to loan Caroline to her for a while out of our humble generosity. That will get her into Suzy's house and give us a way to get her back when she's done collecting information. Got it?"

Caroline raised her hand.

"What?" asked Calvin.

"Exactly what kind of information am I collecting?"

Calvin waved his hand in a gesture of vagueness.

"Oh you know, the important stuff. Where the cookie jar is, which tree is easiest to climb to put spiders under Suzy's pillow, whether or not Suzy has backup squirt guns... That sort of thing."

Caroline nodded her head. She could do that.

"Just make sure not to let her know that-"

"Shhh!" scolded Hobbes. "Here comes Suzy!"

The thee of them rushed over to the table and knelt awkwardly beside it. Calvin picked up the kettle and pretended to pour the tea. His mom didn't have any fancy tea pots like Suzy played with, so he just stole the old kettle off the stove. His family didn't have any nice tea cups either. If Calvin's mother wanted some tea she just drank it out of a coffee mug. So the mock tea party performers used coffee mugs.

"Hi Calvin!" greeted Suzy.

"Hello." responded Calvin, trying to sound like an upper-class snobbish tea drinker (whatever that was). He found it a surprisingly easy role to slip into.

"What are you guys- Oh!" exclaimed Suzy, spotting Caroline. "Who's this?" The excitement was obvious in her voice.

"That's Caroline." Calvin told her. "She's my doll."

"Aw, that's so sweet!" gushed Suzy, "You play with dolls now?" She had joined them at the table and was hugging Caroline.

Calvin looked a little miffed at this question, and remained snooty. "Not really. She happens to be a very _special_ doll."

"Uh-huh." said Suzy. She wasn't really listening.

Suzy had never seen such a big doll before. She must have been as tall as her! And she was so beautiful! Those big blue eyes... those painted cherry lips... No doubt about it, Caroline was the most gorgeous doll Suzy had ever laid eyes on. Her head was suddenly flooded with all of the lovely games it would be so much more fun to play with a doll that size. Caroline might even fit into her clothes!

"Hey Calvin," Suzy asked suddenly, "Do you think that maybe I could play with Caroline some time?"

Calvin considered it. "I don't know... She's a present from my aunt, so you'd have to be very careful with her..."

"Oh, I would!"

"And I'd need her back eventually..."

"No worries!"

"Hmm... I'm not so sure..."

"Please, Calvin?"

"Oh, alright. Just for a little bit."

"Yes! Thanks, Calvin!"

She looked a bit like she might drag Caroline off then and there before Calvin could change his mind, but then she spotted something else of interest.

"Aw! Hobbes is wearing a bow tie! He looks so grown up!"

Suzy gave Hobbes the usual '_cuteness overload, must glomp'_ treatment, but he was obviously not the center of attention that day. Eventually Suzy excused herself and raced off with her newly acquired playmate.

"Alright." grinned Calvin. "Phase one of the plan has been put into action. Now all we have to do is wait."

Hobbes grinned back. "Suzy said I looked grown up."

Calvin knew that Hobbes was just trying to push his buttons, but he gave his usual response anyway.

"Wipe that silly grin off your face, you lumphead!"

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**Comments are appreciated, but I know I probably don't deserve them because I'm such a bad fictionmistress (made up new word). Meaning that I hardly ever update and the updates are short. Such a bad fictionmistess. *tsk* *tsk***


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